Are our children OURS?

You are probably saying, “What a crazy question? Of course they are”! But, I am going to argue the contrary, please hear me out.

My oldest son, Daniel, just left for college. He went to the East Coast, to New York University (NYU) in the middle of Manhattan. I still can’t believe it, but it is reality! I have shed my tears, I will miss him tremendously. He is a great person, a creative and talented individual and I truly enjoy being with him. I was talking to another Mom on the phone before we left for New York to help him move into the dorms. She was also saying goodbye to her two children at the same time (a boy and girl set of twins) and I said to her “we are so lucky to have had the privilege of raising them, but we have to set them free….they are not ours.” Where did that come from? Were they my words? I thought about it for a moment and I knew the words were correct.

Most of the past 18 years, I believed that my kids were privileged to have a Mom like me…loving, devoted, far from perfect, but always trying to do my best and do what was right for them. Yes, they have been privileged to have me as their mom, but I have been equally, if not more, privileged to have had them. There is a reason that we are together in this lifetime, a reason our children are in our lives and us in theirs.

Could it be possible that the souls of each one of us have a purpose for being together: the purpose not only to learn, but grow, transform and become better people in the world in which we live? Most likely we share some of the same life lessons with our children and we need each other to become aware of these lessons and learn from each other.

Genetically, our children seem to be ours. We cannot argue with the color of their hair and the shape of their eyes, the way they walk or talk, the little mole on the right side of their chin that their grandfather has in the same place or the habit of sleeping in a strange position that only their great uncle seems to do. Of course, those characteristics or behaviors can be passed down to us through our DNA from the generations past. But does the genetic connection completely make our children ours to own or possess?

What about the differences that we see that we cannot explain...their passion for a certain type of music, or their ability to dance or see artwork in their own way, to even paint a unique picture that only their minds and hands could create? What about the ways they converse with their friends, special passions and interests they enjoy or strong opinions that don’t resemble anyone in the family? What about an intense fear or an emotion that they display that is hard for us to understand because we have never felt that way before?

Are our children ours? Or are they God’s gift to us? We say it, but do we really believe it? If we do believe that they are a gift, then we need to support them and love them, but let them fall down, fail and learn their lessons when they are ready to do so. We need to take responsibility for our roles, our behaviors and what we teach them, but we cannot take responsibility for everything about them and definitely not completely who they are inside. Their spirit is theirs. We can do our best to learn from them as we continually grow as individuals ourselves, and teach them what we know from our own life experiences, but we need to realize that they have their own souls and are on their own journey. We, as parents, are given the privilege of having them in our lives, raising them and showing them the way.

Allow them to be themselves; it could be through a small action today or a trip to college tomorrow.